"Everybody wants to kill their parents..." Prometheus reviewed.

As I came out of the cinema rubbing my chin in wonderment I was still undecided on whether or not I had just watched a good film. The spectacle and scale of Prometheus was bloomin' staggering but there was something about it that deeply irked me. For the most part, I didn't have a funking clue what was going on and I'm usually quite tapped into these things. 

This film is built up of a lot of if's but's and maybe's and the vast majority of the subject matter is left down to the individuals interpretation. There are a lot of people who have done their homework on the film and have a much more in-depth opinion than me on what's what in this space oddity- and those people can be found using this link- 

http://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/uswn1/prometheus_everything_explained_and_analysed/

However, if you're not particularly interested in unearthing hidden meanings or theorising on the use of religious symbols then my review will probably serve you just fine.

The riddle of Ridley continues.

Admittedly, I am not as absorbed by the Aliens universe as some. I think one of the primary reasons for this is down to my exposure to the AVP series- the early trios inbred cousin. Despite this I went into Prometheus with an open mind, encouraged by the fact that the director said no prior knowledge of the Ripley series was required to enjoy this film- "It could easily stand alone" he says.

The opening sequence instantly grabs your attention, introducing us to one of the so called "engineers" of human life. Imagine the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lord Voldemort and that's about where we are at with these mysterious grey beings. The Engineer is positioned against the vast backdrop of what we can only presume is pre-historic Earth; the waterfall, the panoramic sky- it's all very pleasing on the eye. 

However, the love child lasts all of 60 seconds before he begins to disintegrate as a direct result of drinking some unknown black liquid. His leg snaps with an uncomfortable crunch, his skull fizzes like a bath bomb and before we know it his DNA is flowing freely in the water of this unnamed planet. Presumably, this grey dudes sacrifice acts as some sort of catalyst for life itself. Sacrifice is a frequently visited theme during this film, which is why so many people are tapping into the religious symbology, Space Jesus etc. Honestly, I cant be bothered. 

This part of the film isn't touched upon again and no further explanation is made evident throughout the entire production- a reoccurring theme of Prom. This comes as no surprise when you learn that Damon Lindelof, whose other well known work is on ABC's Lost, heads up the writing team. I expect the questions posed in this film will be answered in a possible third installment, or maybe never at all. Sigh.

Personally, I think what holds the film together in the midst of this kaleidoscope of space madness is the performances of a few very well rounded cast members. Noomi Rapace and Marshall Green have a great on screen chemistry as intergalactic space couple Shaw and Holloway, whilst Theron provides a stern and icy exterior as the morbidly seductive Vickers. Michael Fassbender manages to keep his pants on and gives an eerily polished performance as the ships only android "David" and the extremely likeable Captain Janek, played by Idirs Elba, provides small bouts of comic relief amongst the films overwhelming seriousness. He also manages to seduce Theron with nothing but an accordion. Lad.

The Lead

Rapace provides a performance that perfectly balances vulnerability and strength. This is typified in my favourite sequence of the film wherein she masterminds her own abortion, having been inseminated with Alien sperm via the contaminated Holloway. As you would expect with a Ridley Scott film the pacing of this sequence has you on the edge of your seat, half covering your eyes, half begging for more- it is gruesomely wonderful. As she lasers her stomach open the med-pod is filled with the desperate screeches of her unwelcome inhabitant which is then swiftly removed with "the claw" (Toy Story reference)- but that's not the end of it, Shaw has to staple her stomach back together with industrial sized staples and snap the flailing umbilical cord with her own two hands. *heave*

But Shaw can't get pregnant, wait....is this IMMACULATE CONCEPTION!? ZZzzzzzz.

Again, for me, this film feels like a question that is going to be answered over another 1, maybe 2 films and I am not quite sure how I feel about that. There isn't really one arc in the entire film that reaches full circle, so you don't get that that traditional sense of satisfaction or closure. For someone who is only vaguely interested in the series (like myself) I felt there was an imbalance between drawing me in and pushing me away. Do I really want to dedicate my precious time to a film wherein I have to start up some sort of case study back home to fully appreciate its many, many, many different layers? Not really, but I suppose it swings both ways. I appreciate some film fans will take great pleasure from dissecting the film and they will probably relish in making sense of this unfinished puzzle. Not me though.

It felt like more like a spectacle than a film. The costumes, the set design, the special effects were all incredible but the storyline was lacking substance. A lot like David, Promethues is pristine and polished on the outside but when you dig a little deeper you're missing a few vital organs. It has no heart beat, no soul- it's just an empty shell.

Rating: More questions than answers, slightly cheesed off at the wayward story arcs and dog turd script. 3 stars.

Peter Parker Peps Up & Gwen Stacy Dresses Down. The Amazing Spiderman Review.

My last cinema trip irked me. Deeply. I could have spent the £10 I used watching Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on a double breast burger from Nandos, or 3 succulent Marylands, or 2 of Maccy D's finest Big Mac's...You get the picture.

It is safe to say as I left the warmth of the Cinema this week I was a lot more satisfied.

The journey started off in treacherous fashion, one of my compadre's had supplied me with an Orange Wednesday code via text and I smugly approached the desk thinking I had yet again beat the system (being on O2 myself).

"Two Orange Wednesday tickets for Spiderman please"

"Can I see your text?"

"913......"

"No can I actually see your text"

"......"

This is where the panic set in. I froze. I mumbled something unintelligible and then for some reason pressed the Orange Wednesday code and it attempted to call said number. I had been firmly rumbled. What a cock up. Anyway, after paying £6 pounds each we were in at the expense of my dignity.

The first thing that strikes you about The Amazing Spiderman is how comfortable Andrew Garfield looks in the role. Although he clearly isn't a pre-teen (he is in fact 28) he finds the right balance of nerd and cool which makes him a lighter, more likable Spiderman. This is one of the biggest differences between Webb's Spidey and Raimi's. Garfield is a breeze, whilst Maguire was always a little down trodden.

For this reason TAS Peter Parker feels a lot more relatable. He is no longer an awkward, socially estranged misfit; he is firmly within the New Wave of "Chic Geek"- a look compounded 20 minutes into the film with the addition of his father’s very up-to-date Rayban style glasses (they are the same prescription, what are the chances!). 

The transformation to cool urban dweller is then solidified with Spidey's skills on a skateboard- Tony Hawk take five pal. Webb uses our preconceptions of Skateboarders (cool, outsiders, clique-y) to add depth to Parker's pre Spidey persona. Until that red and blue spandex enters the fray Garfield seems more like the boy next door in a Rom-Com as opposed to the oppressed and isolated figure Maguire cut in the original series- which isn't to say it's a wholly positive thing.

For me this does two things:

1) It enables Spidey to be funny, witty and charming without it seeming forced (het hem, Spiderman 3 infamous bar scene).

2) It also makes Garfield’s Spiderman much more "family friendly".

I'm still unsure as of yet if number two detracts from Spidey's image. It makes our lycra clad hero feel slightly more universal, almost safer this time round.

However, a "family friendly" Spidey has his positives too though. Garfield’s mannerisms and comic timing draw consistent laughs from the audience and it is these qualities that are utilised to make up some of the film’s most memorable sequences. The part where he semi-accidentally beats up half the cast of Shameless on a train ride home is ace, as is the morning time duel with the bathroom following his transformation.

EMMA STONE, BLONDE BOMBSHELL.

The supporting cast members give solid performances and the origins of Peter and Gwen's relationship is handled smartly. The pair exchange some very slick dialogue that is rarely overdone or cringe worthy, a rare quality for a Marvel film. Webb knows how to portray great amounts of emotion within microscopic moments, allowing the audience to exert the meaning by themselves, as demonstrated in the final sequence. Whilst there are no iconic "love" scenes, a la upside down kiss, there is a steady flow of chemistry between the two lovesick puppies that is weaved like a fine tapestry throughout the whole picture- Garfield even pulls off a cheeky little one liner in the films penultimate scene (I won’t ruin it).

The villain.

I almost forgot to mention the secondary British presence in the film- actor Rhys Ifans who plays Dr. Curt Connors aka "The Lizard". This has little to do with his performance, more so the character he inherited. 

Ifans is entirely convincing both as a man who has dedicated his life to science and as a man who very much misses the bottom half of his right arm (nod to that cracking little moment where the Doctor wishfully rubs his hand down a window pane, providing the illusion of 2 fully functional arms). Sadly, as soon as Dr. Curt Connors morphs into  "The Lizard" I found myself less and less interested in his character. 

One of the strangest things about The Lizard is that the presence of a 15 foot lizard doesn't appear all that shocking to the rest of the cast? There is never really the feeling that this creature is going to reap havoc. Admittedly he takes several rounds from an elite firing squad pretty darn well but even then it seems a little half arsed. 

The Lizard seems more like a slimey inconvenience than worthy adversary.

To conclude- go and have a watch, you won’t be disappointed. 

At times it seems like a Rom-Com on steroids but it provides a refreshing new vision of Marvels most youthful Hero. Webb's TAS has a very different feel to it than the previous SM; it's not as serious, it's not as gritty but it is very light on the palette and is in my opinion the second best in the series (pipped by the classic SM2). As youth reinvents itself, so does Spiderman- so for those that are sceptic have no fears, it is a worthy addition to the Marvel family.

Rating: Highly enjoyable if less spectacular than Raimi's. Garfield and Stone provide great chemistry although the villain is utterly deflating. 4 Stars.

Theatres and Abe Don't mix. Period. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter reviewed.

Big Abe and theatres do not mix. Period.

The familiar dreary settings flickered past as I stared out of the 85's window. The sky was grey, rain was inevitable but hey ho, it was Orange Wednesdays. It's the little things that keep you going.

The sticking point that particular evening was that the choice in film was almost as bleak as the weather. There was a touch of pathetic fallacy about the whole thing. It was between the Chernobyl Diaries and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Confronted with this tantalising selection me and The Bear whipped our iPhones out, reasoning that IMDB would be the arbitrator in the face of this dilemma. One scored 4.5 and the other 6.5- so either way we were in for a worldy. Logic dictated that we chose the higher of the two, so Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter it was.

The very B-movie esque notion of America's 16th president slaying the undead part time, mixed with the unflattering scores on t'internet, meant my expectations were very conflicted from the get go. My gut instinct told me this probably wasn't going to be worth the bus fare but my head provided a reasonable counter arguement:

Abe Lincoln + beard + axe - vampires = intriguing.

As long as it provided me with a steady supply of thrills and spills I would be content.

The fact I wish I had gone to watch Chernobyl Diaries probably signals the extent of my miscalculation.

The first 15 minutes are fairly easy to digest. It sets the time period nicely with a creative opening sequence and we are slickly transported back in time to Abe's childhood where the origins of his night stalking tendencies are (weakly) explained. The film does not take long to spring into life with the young Abe losing his cool at the sight of his black friend Will being visciously whipped for a misdemeanour he presumably did not commit. In fact, Abe goes beyond losing his cool and lunges at Mr. Whippy with a child sized axe. This signal of intent is presumably supposed to act as some sort of precursor to his "choppy" future but it just makes seem like an infantile delinquent. If I was Abe's father I would probably have had him sanctioned at that point which would have undoubtedly made for a much more interesting film. Instead Abe's father has to jump to his rescue, landing a sweet right hook on said whipper.

It is around this point slave owner Jack Barts (Marton Csokas) enters the fray. Bart is supposed to be deplorable and wicked but in all honestly is pretty uninspiring as one of the films lead antagonists. He looks a bit like an acid fuelled Fagin which is ironic, because I certainly got the sense my pocket had been picked after sitting through this film. The price of Abe's outburst is one mother, whom Bart slays in the dead of night presumably as an act of brutal authority. Sadly, the young Abe see's this fiendish action and from this point onwards Bart becomes his sworn nemesis.

The next time we see Lincoln he has transformed from the puny dock dweller into the burley Benjamin Walker and his narrative voice lets us know that "now his father is dead" he is to unleash his long awaited revenge. Abe's return to Barts dwelling does not go according to plan and it takes an intervention from Dominic Cooper's Henry to stop him being transformed into donner meat. Henry is like Blade in the fact that he is a vampire with a moral conscience, drinking blood from a chalice or the wretched instead of poor unsuspecting victims. However, Henry is unlike Blade in the fact he is largely unconvincing as someone who could tear s**t up. Cooper, whose most famous role up until this point was a heartthrob in Mamma Mia, is simply too pristine for the role. His one liners smell like a bag of Wotsits and he is simply too smarmy looking for a character who is supposed to have had a troubling past. Soon after Abe's ill fated revenge mission Henry (who can come out in the daytime unlike conventional vampires, thanks to the shoe polish like sun cream) becomes his reluctant teacher and soon moulds Big Abe into a slick vampire killing machine, all within the space of one very Rocky-esque montage and the brutal chopping of a sycamore.

After a few well polished duels the film introduces dull love interest Mary (the usually quirky and quippy Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and quickly hurries Abe the arse kicker on to Abe the politician. Barring one last semi entertaining brawl in the house of "Adam", as well as the ridiculous fight scene amongst the stampeding horses, we become subjected to a down trodden grey haired Abe for the next 35 minutes. This is when the tone of the film takes a horrible downward spiral and drops the formula that could have made it a nineteenth century Zombieland. The well paced fight scenes that take place in the dusty town of Springfield were drip feeding me satisfactory levels of adrenaline, but then POP that arc comes to an abrupt halt. As I watched the story about his son unfold, as well as the thrown together civil war sequences  I forgot what film I was actually watching and stopped paying a particular amount of interest. One minute it was Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter, the next Mel Gibsons The Patriot. I felt that the introduction of sensitive subject matter betrayed the films whole feel, it seemed to ignore its own farcical nature and in doing so made the nonsensical, well...nonsensical!

Rating: I can't be arsed to talk about this film anymore. Two and Half Stars at best.